We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
