Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
