Can i not drive my cunt home
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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