saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize