Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
