If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
