she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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