Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
