the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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