How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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