girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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