We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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