i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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