I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
