I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize