You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
