my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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