well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
