My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
