He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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