i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
