Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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