i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
