She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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