I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
