Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
