then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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