i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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