there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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