Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
