The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
