I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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