I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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