I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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