I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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