If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize