Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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