I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wear drunk well.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
