I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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