Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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