Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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