you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
