found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
