So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it hurts more in the daytime
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
