I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
