mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
