I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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