I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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