She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
did i just pee glitter
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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