you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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