when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
