Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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