i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
