he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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