Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
